that green thing

I feel like ever since I had a blog, and I’ve been doing the online journaling thing for almost 8 years, I try to do a “birthday post”. Mainly as a sort of weird public self reflection. And yes, if you’ve visited my website before (before the name change if you’ve been with me for that long, well done) you’d know that last year I’ve done a post “no one likes you when you’re 24”.

I’m using this title again, with just a number going up. I find it weirdly cathartic to these. I definitely prefer writing more in-depth posts rather then your typical “hey, look what I’m wearing” type of post, not that there’s anything wrong with that either. This is just not the type of content I feel passionately about. Yeah, from time to time you’ll see an odd post from me just talking about the clothes I’m wearing but I just find them rather…empty.

You know what I also found rather empty? My online “persona” my presence online has felt very odd for the last year. Something has shifted and almost as a switch in my brain creating content, sharing it, or being online doesn’t seem right. Having a blog, or a youtube channel doesn’t seem right. It almost feels unsafe. Suddenly I don’t trust my readers with my thoughts, fuck,I don’t trust myself with my thoughts sometimes. I use to use online as a weird form of exhibitionism of my creative soul for years but something has snapped and it has not felt the same. The past year has been a lot. And not too sound too depressing or whatever but I should get a bloody “congratulations” for making it to 25. It’s this dumb joke of mine every year. Well done for surviving yet another year. The past year has shaped me so much as a person, and who I am today.

The past year has made me, and broke me multiple times. It has helped navigate so many emotions and issues, I never knew I had. It helped me heal. It also broke me. I even hit such a low that I hurt people close to me. I pushed away those people too, some of them pushed me away. And in someway, part of me feels like I deserve it. Whenever it’s the truth, I don’t know. I have no clue if I’ll ever find out. But my 24th year of life has definitely transformed me. I’ve learned to be vulnerable, I started to trust people and build up parts of my shattered self esteem. I’ve learned to protect my boundaries as well as push my limits. Learning to say “no” to people, experiences in order to protect myself was also a huge one.  I had to learn that maybe I am not as terrible as my mind makes out to be. I sought for help for my mental health, something that has been mentioning to me by so many people around me. I’m nowhere near to being “ok”. Maybe I’ll never get there, but I’ve learned to take steps back when it’s too much, I’ve learned to communicate those bad days with few close people around me. My visual self expression continues to develop and show you, and hopefully inspire you in some ways, that being yourself isn’t that bad after all.

Career wise… well guess what. I’m still where I am two years ago. I gave up living with one of my closest friends in London, I gave up chasing a fashion dream of mine. Maybe one day I’ll come back to it, but fashion industry is so cruel at times I don’t see myself going back there anytime soon. Unless I want to relapse to the pure self hatred I felt not so long ago. As much as I’d die for working in a creative field I need to give myself sometime to concentrate on me. I still need to work on so many issues. I still have a long way to go. But the steps I’ve already taken were already huge. Sure, I’ve burned so many bridges to get here, some of them being my fault. But what happened is something that I can’t change. And I still need to learn to give up control of life, we can’t control all of it. I did become little bit emotionally detached as a result of it (ok, fine! This is a problem that has been with me for years). But I made it to 25. And that’s what counts. What happened is already done. The only way is forward.

Photography by: Kimi Peri 

Cape, Shoes, Socks & Bum Bag – Killstar // Top – Disturbia // Harness – Attitude // Tights – Amazon // Jacket – Vintage  // Plaid shirt – vintage