that green thing

Some say that self love is the most important and easiest forms of love you will get. Most important yes, how the hell are you going to love anyone else if you’re not going to love yourself? But easiest? No. At least not for me. It’s hard to love yourself when for many years, especially during the youngest years of your life you’ve been told that you’re not good enough, and soon you’ll start to believe it. Sounds like a cliche huh? Maybe, because it’s a cliche for a reason.

You hear all the time what kind of negative impact stuff like bulling and aggression can do to someone, especially from a young age. I don’t regret it all, I feel like that experience has made me more of compassionate and kind person. Yet, the impact of those experiences was made regardless and now I have to heal and grow from it. 

It has started the war with my mind that is happening till this day. Self-love doesn’t come easy for me. Nor naturally, and this post is so fucking hard to write but I feel like it needs to be written for my own sake as well as an easier way for some of you to understand me. Because I am not easy to understand, so I’ve been told. I’ve been told that I’m complex, distant, cold even. That my words and actions are confusing and I agree. I want one thing, but I won’t communicate that, I don’t know how. Saying how I feel or what I want, from someone or life in general is fucking hard. But in the last couple of months I’ve been trying, really hard to work on that, step by step. Even with the simplest things. I’m trying to communicate more and be more open, about my thoughts, feelings, mental health too. Considering the fact that as a 14 year old I use to shut myself off with headphones and books so the real world could not get to me, later on with sketch books and believe it or not blogging. To actually step out and talk. I’m still at the baby steps stages of it, but it’s a huge progress. And that’s something someone could consider self – love. Even if it’s not one of its purest forms. But clear communication is so important, and I suck at it, but I’m trying. 

Let’s talk about appearances, and average Joe could maybe not find me attractive, some people defiantly see my appearance and all they think about is how hideous I am. I guess as long as they don’t say it to my face, I don’t really care. Ever since I got into fashion industry started modelling and blogging from the age of 16 so many people thought I was full of self-love. I mean you’d think in order to have your photo taken, be in changing rooms with 10+ people in fashion shows, be able to show many emotions in front of a camera in a matter of minutes, you would need to have some self-love? Big fat  NO. Sure, there are bloggers and models who love themselves endlessly and more power to them, but let me tell you. Models, are one of the most insecure people I have met, at least those I’ve met and worked with. Holly who blogs over on Holly Loves The Simple Things talks about her journey of modelling, blogging as well as struggles with mental health for years and I’ve admired her courage to be able to open up about something that’s known but never talked about. If I were you I’d definitely check out her blog, as the amount of articles she has on the subject that’s so thought out is something we need more off!  

And I remember ironically, that when I was modelling was the time that self-love or even the idea of it did not exist in a slightest, if I could cut myself open and get out of my skin back then I would. Hell, there’s still days when that feeling is at the back up my shoulders. And I’m learning to cope with it, I don’t think it’s ever going to go away, but there’s way’s I can deal with it in a healthier way then thought self hatred that my depression feeds me everyday. And that’s why I colour my hair, that’s why my eyebrows are bleached, tattoos and piercings are a massive part of my journey to self acceptance because could I hurt a body that is covered by beautiful art work, some of it made by my closest friends. I wouldn’t dare to destroy it no matter how much I’d like to. That’s why it bothers me so much when people look at my tattoos, piercings, hair like something that is disgusting, because for me that’s the closest thing to try to find self-love as I can get. Luckily, my closest family are the most supportive beans and even though some of my tattoo’s aren’t their cup of they, they just don’t say it and they know that the only person that needs to like them is me. Same with friends. In the last couple of years I have surrounded myself with the kindest and most supportive people I know, maybe it’s because I became way more authentic and that attracted people who have similar interests to me and who GET me. And those people push me and help me to love myself. That’s why I admire some of my closest friends, especially Kimi and Holly, who just thrive of self love, of course we all have our moments of doubts but these two (and countless others) are just so inspiring to me, seeing their confidence and having their unconditional support and love makes me feel like maybe I do too deserve to feel bit of what they are feeling. 

By the time this goes up it’s past Valentine’s Day, a holiday that I feel is so commercial and well, dumb, if you love someone or even if you care about them, show it to them everyday, even the simplest acts of kindness like a message can make someone’s day. I’m not the biggest fan of the V-Day and that’s why this post is going up a day after, to sort of prove my point I guess.

Love yourself, love those around you, every single day and show it too. Even if it’s just a platonic friendship or a romantic relationships because there’s more types of love.